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Nice little stickers based off the album art.
Includes unlimited streaming of Be full of steadfast love, just as your Father is full of steadfast love.
via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
What it meant to me, to be a Christian...
Now, I believed that Jesus was the Son of God, that a personal relationship with him was the only way to be saved, ie the only way to go to Heaven when you die. And this belief defined everything for me. This, this was my worldview. It gave me purpose and meaning.
"Lord, I'm frustrated about us. I just feel guilty that it's not clicking, like I'm just bad, or wrong, or lazy, or something. I'm tired of feeling pressure and guilt to spend time with you. Lord, I would quit trying altogether if I didn't know how stupid and mindless that would be. To whom shall I go?" Meaning, "where would I turn if I turned away from God?"
The whole point is that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. This is the truth. You find the truth, the truth sets you free. Truth, truth, truth. The whole point of the Bible, why people defend the Bible and say that the Bible is inerrant, without error, it is from God, it's, it's, you know, written by God through people. The whole point of all that is because it being true is paramount.
You got the two words, "belief" and "system." And, I thought a lot about the belief, but I cared a lot about the system. If I'm just signed up for all of this, I know I'm safe, eternally. I trust that, like, if I don't know everything that I should believe or everything I should be doing, at least I will--it's all there, and I'll get to it.
These are just a few of the questions I always avoided:
"If I don't have to believe that God ordered His chosen people to slaughter men, women, and children by the thousands, then why would I?
If I don't want to believe that every religious experience of any person who is not a Christian is ultimately illegitimate, then why would I?
If I don't have to believe that anyone who doesn't have a relationship with Jesus, ie the majority of people who have ever lived, are going to spend eternity being literally tortured in a fire, experiencing never-ending pain and suffering, then why, no pun intended, in the Hell would I believe that?
If I can somehow accept the idea that Hell exists because of God's holiness, why would I believe in a God who would choose to create that particular world where people have no choice whether or not they're going to be born, but then once they are born, if they don't adopt the correct understanding of God, He will punish them forever, why believe in that God if I don't have to?"
Here's what I wrote: "Since moving out here," that's to LA, "and combined with ----- sharing his evolving perspective, I have slowly given up trying to be the Christian that I feel like I've been trying to be all these years. I've concluded that I'm not going to do the things I've always done, (the right things, the spiritual disciplines,) and expect different results (intimacy with God). Or even more directly, I'm gonna give up feeling guilty for not being better and doing better at Christianity. And this experiment has felt good. Freeing. For the most part. Everything except feeling like I'm letting ------ and the kids down. At this point, I'm not sure if God exists."
So, I would call myself a hopeful agnostic, meaning I don't know, but I hope. I hope there's something. The question that I've gotten from some people who are close to me, love me, is
"What do you think happens after you die?"
I don't know. I'm reasonably certain that you don't burn in Hell because you were intellectually curious and honest, to put it bluntly. But honestly, I'm more interested now in what happens while I live. It's not so much "what happens after you die?" but "what happens while you're alive?"
And I'm trying to answer that question, but it's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. It's honestly one of the reasons that I get up every morning and do 20 minutes of back exercises. Honestly. It's one of the reasons that I think more about what I eat...because the only thing I know that I've got is this life.
If God exists, or however God exists, I just can't believe that--I--that me being open, and sincere, and as loving as possible, and as honest as possible is disqualifying me from receiving God's love. I just--I can't accept that.
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