What is God to you?

I mean, God is everything. God... I recognize him as my Father, my guide, my light. He's my shoulder to lean on when I'm struggling, or who I praise when things are going great. He's the reason and meaning behind everything, to me.

There will be times where I'm on a run, and I'm just like "thank you God for, like, putting me in this amazing situation. Like, I can't believe that I get to be running, and I get to smell the sage," and like, for me, I think I spend the most time thinking about God in the times that I'm grateful. I see God as kind of the overseer of everything, but also someone that I--it's a way for myself to be grateful for things. And, like obviously when there's hard times then I am angry at God, but like I I spend more time like in my happy joyous moments is when I am always like "wow, like, thank you God for like putting these people around me or for letting me live in this place or for like putting me in this situation that I know is hard now but it's gonna be so much better later." That type of thing.

In the past, I really struggled with breakups, and heartbreak, and everything, not really understanding the purpose and reason behind like pain and discomfort and how to move forward. But for me being able to rely on God now going through that is just -- acknowledging that the pain is part of my journey and He has implemented that in my path and in my life to learn from and grow from it. Being able to acknowledge that and know that there is a reason behind it has helped me get past the pain and move on.

We were at church camp over the summer. It turned into like a worship night type thing with music and everything and so we were all singing, and it was this camp in the woods out in like King's Canyon. We were singing all of these songs and I didn't know any of the words to them. All of the sudden there was one song that popped up where I knew the words, and so I was singing it, and I just-- it was so weird, and I was just so happy. And like, I had this physical calm and peace and joy wash over me, and like it literally felt like a wave going through my body. And it was like the only time like I felt like God was there, in that moment.

When or where do you feel closest to God? Like, in your daily life?

It's been a lot hard nowadays, just because there are so many distractions. I'd definitely say, when there's nothing in front of me that's allowing me to have any sort of thought or distraction, like no screen, no person, so basically when I'm alone. So a lot of the times it ends up being like the shower, or when I wake up, or when I'm going to bed, just like those small moments when there's nothing, like, detracting, like my train of thought. And it always just leads to Him.

I--I am such like a nature, like wildlife, fish nerd, that like, sometimes I'll get like when I learn new things or like I get so excited about like ecology just like the way things work that's another thing that I'm always like just so amazed, like when I look at ecological systems and things like that and the way that--how everything works together and how every little thing affects every other little thing, or like I look at how fish can like have swim bladders so that can control their buoyancy, and like that kind of thing where it's like literally how in the world did this happen? Like obviously evolution, but like in my brain I'm like "it--it--it's so complex, like, it's so cool that it happened," and I'm always like "Eh, you really knew what you were doing! Like, putting all these things together!"
With my line of work and the people that I work with and like the kind of things that I am interested in, I get like that a lot where I'm like "this is crazy! I can't believe that this works!"

I'm trying to think of when my faith has wavered, I wouldn't necessarily say that it's wavered but I definitely felt like myself drift away from it. I'll say I went through a breakup a few years ago, end of 2020, and it was with a guy who claimed to be like a Christian and perfect in all of these ways, and he was the opposite of that, and it was hard for me to believe, or hard for me to trust other Christians or God when someone like this who claimed to be one was so awful. I had to spend a lot of alone time after that, actually. And praying has really helped a lot for me too. Just being alone with my thoughts and I try--I don't hear God, but I try to envision like what He would want me to hear and what He would want me to do and that was something I really had to rely on too. I just don't think faith is logical. I don't think you need logic to explain it. And those situations I tried to use logic to explain it when---it just doesn't help.

One thing I learned, and I did learn this by like reading the Bible more and going to church more like socializing with more Christians is that there are people in this world like wolves in sheep's clothing. People who identify as Christians who claim to be, you know, good people, despite like going to church every day, or not every day, every week, and reading their Bible, like you want to hope those people are as good as you are and are as faithful as you are but... you have to realize that just because there is bad in the world doesn't mean it should overtake the good.

As you've been studying the Bible more, are there any particular verses or stories that, like, really give you comfort in moments when you're struggling or in crisis?

I mean, I think the Gospels are the most important part of the Bible because it shows us that Jesus's disciples, like, were imperfect too, and to be a follower of Jesus and for Him to love me in return, I don't need to be perfect, and as much as I should try to be, He'll love me regardless, at the end of the day, and I think that's really important what keeps me going because if I was trying to fit myself in a box, and I could never fully fit in that box, it would be really hard to get through every day.

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The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
///

To you, what does it mean to be Christlike?

I think there are a lot of components. For me, like in my daily life something I think about, like, I'll catch myself doing if I'm being judgmental, like I try to fix myself from doing that because like Christ does not judge. He loves us, despite our flaws. Patience.

To, like, care for everybody as yourself, and I feel like so much of modern Christianity, at least the loud people, are focused on hate, like I feel like, that's not what it--it's about.

Being the best person I can be, and just trying to continually better myself, not for me, but for those around me. To not have like that selfish drive to do that but to...a better impact on everyone around me.

If He, as a person, was here, now...yeah, what do you think the situation would be like?

Um, I think He would be doing similar to what He was doing in the Bible, and trying to teach people in the community the ways that we could be and should be better. You know, it's funny, I could see Him being like a big, like, social media influencer, but like in a good way. Like, a TikTok of Him like walking through, like, the woods, like... saying something spiritual. Yeah. Like a following in that way. Not like a physically, like, people following him, but like a social media presence. And just, like, a wanderer, like moving to different region--I don't know. I could see that.

Can you think of a specific time, or maybe something in general when you've disagreed with any church's teachings that you've, like, encountered?

Yeah, it was actually a few months ago, at the church I went to. I don't remember the exact sermon but I remember our pastor saying something about how Jesus is not your friend. Like, you should always be on your knees praising him, which, I do agree with praising Jesus, but I also feel that our relationship with Jesus can be viewed as a friendship. I just think that Jesus was sent here, he's the Son of God, he has this holiness to Him but he's also human.

One thing that people should be able to love whoever they want to love, and that it's none of anybody else's business to tell them that they could or could not, and I think that, like, if you wanna get an abortion you should be able to get one if--like it's literal healthcare. Like, that kind of thing.

And when the church said that you should not view Jesus as your friend, you know I disagreed with it, but I also acknowledge that everyone's interpretation of the Bible is different and relationship with Jesus and God and even if you don't wanna acknowledge Jesus or just that there's a higher power, like, everyone's feeling towards that is different, and I think as long as you have some sort of relationship and acknowledgement of a higher power... that's the only thing I think is important. I think the details are...they are what they are, we're probably all wrong, and at the end of the day, as long as you have something to believe in that helps you be a better person, that's all that really matters.